Iconoclastic Fury

September 1, 2012

Don’t look back in anger, I heard you say…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by telechick @ 9:23 pm
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I think I have reached the anger stage in my grief’s journey.  I am pretty much pissed off at everyone and everything, beginning with Corey for the decisions he made that led to him requiring a liver transplant, with the hospital for ultimately killing him, with myself for choices I made or didn’t make that may have contributed to his need for a second liver transplant, with my realtor for not doing enough to sell my house, with my dog for chewing a large hole in my couch and the list goes on and on and on (but I won’t). 

Some of this anger is warranted and some of it is not and I recognize this, but right now I don’t care. I’m just royally pissed off at the situation in which I find myself. The worst part is that I find myself here without the one person who could conceivably make it better, or at least make me feel better in general so that I could deal more rationally with things. Right now everything is a big deal no matter how small of a deal it really is. I don’t have the emotional reserves to let things roll of my back and it just seems like the hits, big and small, keep on coming.  Every part of the process of dealing with the aftermath of Corey’s death has been a case of two steps forward, one step back.  I am definitely making progress, but it has been a painfully drawn out process that isn’t going to end any time soon.

Despite all of this anger, I do recognize how incredibly lucky I am to be surrounded by wonderful friends and relatives who have given and continue to give so generously of their time and support to help me get through this.  Yet as the angry part of me points out, I already knew they were wonderful and didn’t really need Corey to die in order to have proof.

On my two hour drive back home today, after spending 36 hrs dealing with things related to the aftermath of Corey’s death, I was relating all of the above out loud to him while I drove, tears streaming down my face. I had the radio playing and the next song that came on was Oasis’s “Don’t Look Back in Anger”. Even I had to smile at this and shake my head.


August 22, 2012


Filed under: Uncategorized — by telechick @ 6:57 pm
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I have come to the realization that I am suffering from very low levels of testosterone. Not my own levels, but those around me. I am literally awash in a sea of estrogen. My 3 animals are female, my closest relatives are female, my closest coworkers are female, the friends I interact with on a regular basis are all female. There is nary a Y chromosome to be found amongst them and I miss it.
I realized this 10 days ago when I was on a backpacking trip with two college room mates and the husband of one of them. It was so nice to be around a guy, just hanging out, having him be chivalrous and for lack of a better word “manly”. I don’t want to come across as some helpless 50s housewife – I am fully capable of taking care of myself, as are my female friends and relatives, but it’s so nice every once in a while to feel taken care of in the way that good guys do. It was only after spending 3 days with John that I understood how much I’ve missed that feeling. Corey was so sick for the past 2 years that I haven’t experienced this care for a long while, but even while Corey was sick there was still his essential maleness and his presence. I loved burying my nose in the crook of his neck and inhaling his phermones. I was automatically soothed. When you’re in love with someone, there’s nothing better than the smell of their skin.
What I miss equally is being able to melt into Corey’s hugs. There’s no one I can do that with now. I hug my mother and I hug my friends, male and female, but these hugs are not the same. They are expressions of love, but I can’t relax fully into them and just let myself go, secure in the knowledge that, at least for a moment, his arms will keep all the bad things at bay.

I know that I’m in no emotional shape to date yet, but I do long for pair of strong arms to hold me and the phermones of someone I love to soothe my soul.

August 17, 2012

Who Am I?

Filed under: Uncategorized — by telechick @ 1:01 pm

Everything I read and hear refers to this “new” and possibly “better” me that seems destined to appear out of Corey’s death.  I’m not really sure what people mean.  How exactly will I change?  What will be different?  I’m guessing that if I’m asking these questions it’s too soon at 3.5 months after his death and that the “new me” is still waiting somewhere in the wings.  I don’t feel like a different person – I just feel like the regular old me with a gigantic hole in my heart and a constant undertone of sadness.  I haven’t suddenly begun to like okra or country music.  I still get royally pissed and impatient at stupid stuff.  I don’t think I’m any kinder or gentler than I was before April 28th (which is to say, not very).

I was only with Corey for 8 yrs (to the day as it turned out) and during the last 2 of those Corey was mostly too ill or depressed to participate fully in our lives.  I paid all the bills; I ran our business as well as working full time at my real job; I organized the things that needed to be organized; I took care of the animals; I basically did it all.  This new Corey-free life isn’t much different than the old with the glaring absence of the primary reason I did everything – the hope that Corey would get better and that we would get back what was wonderful about our relationship and the reasons why I eloped with him 10 months after we met. Without him, I’m still doing all the exact same things, but only now because I have to.

I keep hearing that now that I’m widowed I have to get to know who I am again, my real self, but I feel like I already have a pretty good sense of who I am: strong, stubborn, determined, loyal, to name a few of my more positive (I guess) traits, plus a good dose of some not so positive ones. I am just not sure how this transformation will take place – do I wake up one morning and suddenly I’m different?  It would be really nice if the new me would exercise more and eat less and lose 20lb while she’s at it.  That’s a new me I’d love to wake up to, but so far she’s proving elusive.

May 28, 2012

what a difference 3 years makes

Filed under: grief,marriage — by telechick @ 5:12 pm
Tags: ,

The last time I posted was almost 3 years ago and how much has changed since then.  Then I was married to the most wonderful man in the world who was getting better after a near brush with death; I had two amazing dogs; I had plans to go to Corsica; I had a business and a life that I thought was amazing.  Fast forward to today and I am a widow of exactly 1 month; all of my boys are gone; I have an exactly 1 year old female puppy and two female cats; I am surrounded by boxes and chaos as I try to pack up what’s left of my old life and move it back down to VF.

My life is shattered. I don’t want to reinvent myself. I don’t want a new life. I want my old life. I want my C. I want to be the center of his world and the light of his life. I want to have new experiences with him. I want to travel with him. I want him to be happy and to be with me. I want him to snuggle with me and my puppy in bed. I want the love and the tenderness and the sex and the laughs and the annoyances and the quiet and the talking and the everthing. I want him to hold me. I want to smell his phermones. I want to get in the truck with him and just drive. I want to enjoy a drink on the deck in the evening. I want to ski all over the world with him. I want to move into our dream home together and to sit on our porch and to look at our yard with the fruit trees we were going to plant and the garden we were going to grow. I want OUR FUTURE. The one that will NEVER, EVER, EVER happen.

I didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve this. Everyone deserves more birthdays, right?

People tell me how lucky I am to have experienced such a deep and powerful love. It doesn’t feel lucky now. I think the saying about the fact that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved is bullshit.

I will never consider suicide while my mother is alive, but I no longer care much how long I live. I don’t want to die in pain and terror, but other than that, it really doesn’t matter.  If I die and there’s no afterlife then at least I won’t be missing C any more. If I die and there is an afterlife and I get to be with him, then that is wonderful. It’s a win win either way. I guess I could say that one benefit to C’s death is that I no longer fear death.

We only had 8 years. We had no children. Everyone else I hear of who has lost a spouse either had many, many years with them or else had children to carry on some part of their lost loved one. I got screwed on both counts. I don’t think people really understand that and really understand what I’m feeling. I read that only 3% of the population is widowed in their 40s or younger. I wonder what the percentage is of people widowed in their 40s or younger without any children? 1%? 0.5%? Speaking of statistics, liver transplants have something like a 98% 1 year success rate. How could C, healthy and 43, fall into the 2%  – let me repeat, 2%, of those who don’t make it????

So in 1 month, exactly 3 years to the day I last posted, it will be as if the last 10 years never happened: I will be living alone in VF with my animals, working for the park. The only things that will be different are the animals, my weight (not for the better), the amount of gray in my hair, and the gaping hole in my heart that will never go away.

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