Iconoclastic Fury

October 25, 2012

Happiness

Filed under: Uncategorized — by telechick @ 8:22 pm

This is one of my favourite photos of C and one of the most bittersweet for me because I know it was taken the last time he was truly happy. His contentment and happiness just radiate from the photo. We spent the week before Memorial Day 2010 in Colorado skiing at Arapahoe Basin. This had been a lifelong dream of C’s – to hang out on the “beach” at Abasin and to soak up the spring skiing. We rented a cute historic house in Breckenridge and skied and enjoyed ourselves immensely. We bought season’s passes for 2011. It was a wonderful trip. Travelling was something we did a lot of together and always had a great time.
We came home from that trip and something happened. C was hit by a wave of depression that he was never able to shake, for which he refused any help other than from a bottle of vodka, and just under 2 years later he was dead. Ironically, at the time of his death I think he had “hit bottom” and was ready to take the help that was offered to him to help him combat his disease, but a hospital infection put an end to that dream.
Since his death 6 months ago (this Sunday) I’ve found it all but impossible to look at photos of him directly – to look into those beautiful hazel green eyes, at that wonderful smile and to see that handsome man and to feel once again that kick to the gut of all that he and I and everyone who knew him has lost. It just hurt too much.
This week in my widows’ group I was asked to bring a photo of him to share. I ended up bringing a collage that a friend put together for his wake which included this photo as its centerpiece. For the first time in months I was able to look at some photos of C for a few seconds at a time without feeling almost physically ill from the pain of his loss. Granted, I am wiritng this with tears streaming down my face, and I still can only stand to look at the photos for a few seconds at a time, but I hope I am making progress. That being said, it is still incredible to me that my love will never again walk through the door with his trademark “Hey Babe!” and that I will never again hear him say “I love you more than you will ever know”.
C, I love you more than you will ever know and I am so glad that you were able to experience true happiness.

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October 20, 2012

10/8/68

Filed under: dreams unrealized,grief — by telechick @ 6:40 pm

I had meant to write this before C’s bday, but never quite got it out.
For those who have cared for a loved one with a serious illness, there is no way you can forget that person’s birthdate. I can’t even begin to tally how many times I had to give his name and birthdate to the endless stream of nurses, doctors, PA’s, LPNs, dieticians, respiratory therapists, priests/rabbis, physical therapists, transport staff, IR staff, social workers, secretaries, and likely even some cleaning staff, with whom we interacted over 3 yrs. Sometimes C was awake and lucid and able to give the details himself, but often it was up to me to provide the relevant data. It got to the point that even now, 6 months after his death, when asked my birthdate I have to hesitate and make sure I’m giving mine and not his. There is no way I will ever forget that date and there is no way that an October 8th will ever pass without me wishing that he were with me in the flesh.

It was a priviledge to be with him during his illness and to see how his innate friendliness and genuine interest in other people never wavered even when he was feeling lousy or was having an unpleasant procedure. I still have a lot of guilt over what happened during his last week of life, but I hope that wherever he is now, C has forgiven me. I also hope that with time I can forgive myself.

C always promised me 50 years and we only got 8. That’s some pretty lousy math. However excrutiating the pain is right now (and it is excrutiating), I know that I wouldn’t trade those 8 yrs for the world, but I would trade the world for just 5 more minutes with him.

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