Iconoclastic Fury

September 1, 2012

Don’t look back in anger, I heard you say…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by telechick @ 9:23 pm
Tags: ,

I think I have reached the anger stage in my grief’s journey.  I am pretty much pissed off at everyone and everything, beginning with Corey for the decisions he made that led to him requiring a liver transplant, with the hospital for ultimately killing him, with myself for choices I made or didn’t make that may have contributed to his need for a second liver transplant, with my realtor for not doing enough to sell my house, with my dog for chewing a large hole in my couch and the list goes on and on and on (but I won’t). 

Some of this anger is warranted and some of it is not and I recognize this, but right now I don’t care. I’m just royally pissed off at the situation in which I find myself. The worst part is that I find myself here without the one person who could conceivably make it better, or at least make me feel better in general so that I could deal more rationally with things. Right now everything is a big deal no matter how small of a deal it really is. I don’t have the emotional reserves to let things roll of my back and it just seems like the hits, big and small, keep on coming.  Every part of the process of dealing with the aftermath of Corey’s death has been a case of two steps forward, one step back.  I am definitely making progress, but it has been a painfully drawn out process that isn’t going to end any time soon.

Despite all of this anger, I do recognize how incredibly lucky I am to be surrounded by wonderful friends and relatives who have given and continue to give so generously of their time and support to help me get through this.  Yet as the angry part of me points out, I already knew they were wonderful and didn’t really need Corey to die in order to have proof.

On my two hour drive back home today, after spending 36 hrs dealing with things related to the aftermath of Corey’s death, I was relating all of the above out loud to him while I drove, tears streaming down my face. I had the radio playing and the next song that came on was Oasis’s “Don’t Look Back in Anger”. Even I had to smile at this and shake my head.

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