Iconoclastic Fury

August 19, 2012

That old refrain

Filed under: Uncategorized — by telechick @ 12:12 pm

Last night I was driving home after having dinner with my mother and it was a beautiful evening. I had the windows open as I sang along at top volume to the Violent Femmes’ Blister in the Sun playing on the radio, being transported back to high school. It was a fun and relaxing moment, but then there was the thought “Corey is dead. I will never enjoy a moment like this with him again.”

I find this happening almost constantly.  No matter what I’m doing/seeing/experiencing there is always this underlying current or refrain in my head: Corey is gone. Corey is dead. We will never experience this moment together.  It doesn’t mean that I’m not enjoying what’s going on around me, it’s just there’s always the knowledge that I am not with him and that it will never be the same. It colours everything.

This past weekend I was in Idaho camping and hiking in the Sawtooth mountains with a college roommate and her husband and another college roommate. The scenery was spectacular, the hiking almost did me in and the company was wonderful, but at the same time there was always the underlying sadness for me.  My friend and her husband have been married for 13 years and have 4 beautiful children, something Corey and I never could have. Corey and I hiked a lot when we first met and he loved the mountains and was proud of his mountaineering skills. He would have loved this trip. I know people would say that he was with me in spirit, but as we all know all too well, it’s not the same.

I did find a black and bright orange bird feather in our camp and I have no idea what bird it could’ve come from. Orange was Corey’s favourite colour, so perhaps he was there with me.

–To everything there is a season And every blessing has its cost —

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