Iconoclastic Fury

August 17, 2012

Who Am I?

Filed under: Uncategorized — by telechick @ 1:01 pm

Everything I read and hear refers to this “new” and possibly “better” me that seems destined to appear out of Corey’s death.  I’m not really sure what people mean.  How exactly will I change?  What will be different?  I’m guessing that if I’m asking these questions it’s too soon at 3.5 months after his death and that the “new me” is still waiting somewhere in the wings.  I don’t feel like a different person – I just feel like the regular old me with a gigantic hole in my heart and a constant undertone of sadness.  I haven’t suddenly begun to like okra or country music.  I still get royally pissed and impatient at stupid stuff.  I don’t think I’m any kinder or gentler than I was before April 28th (which is to say, not very).

I was only with Corey for 8 yrs (to the day as it turned out) and during the last 2 of those Corey was mostly too ill or depressed to participate fully in our lives.  I paid all the bills; I ran our business as well as working full time at my real job; I organized the things that needed to be organized; I took care of the animals; I basically did it all.  This new Corey-free life isn’t much different than the old with the glaring absence of the primary reason I did everything – the hope that Corey would get better and that we would get back what was wonderful about our relationship and the reasons why I eloped with him 10 months after we met. Without him, I’m still doing all the exact same things, but only now because I have to.

I keep hearing that now that I’m widowed I have to get to know who I am again, my real self, but I feel like I already have a pretty good sense of who I am: strong, stubborn, determined, loyal, to name a few of my more positive (I guess) traits, plus a good dose of some not so positive ones. I am just not sure how this transformation will take place – do I wake up one morning and suddenly I’m different?  It would be really nice if the new me would exercise more and eat less and lose 20lb while she’s at it.  That’s a new me I’d love to wake up to, but so far she’s proving elusive.


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