Iconoclastic Fury

June 12, 2012

To everything there is a season, and every blessing has its cost – Emmylou Harris, The Road

Filed under: Uncategorized — by telechick @ 10:35 pm

I heard this song tonight on the radio as I was driving home in a torrential downpour from Ph’s first obedience class and dinner with my mother.  The lyrics are so perfect and encapsulate so much of what I’m feeling:

The Road

I can still remember
Every song you played
Long ago when we were younger
And we rocked the night away

How could I see a future then
Or you would not grow old
With such a fire in our belly
Such a hunger in our souls

I guess I probably loved you
When those words rolled off your tongue
Seemed that we were traveling
Under some old lucky sun

I know I couldn’t save you
And no one was to blame
But the road we shared together once
Will never be the same

Hey, gone a long way
Won’t be coming ’round again
Hey, with a song I pray
And on wings of a song I’ll fly away

I wandered in the wilderness
For a while, I was so lost
To everything there is a season
And every blessing has its cost

So I took what you left me
Put it to some use
When looking for an answer
With those three chords and the truth

I come down from the mountain
I come walking in your shoes
I was taken for a gambler
When I had no more to lose

For you put me on that pathway
How could I refuse
And I’ve spend my whole life out here
Working on the blues

Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

So I’ve carried on
You can’t be haunted by the past
People come, people go
And nothing ever lasts

But I still think about you
Wonder where you are
Can you see me from some place
Up there among the stars?

But down here under heaven
There never was a chart
To guide our way across
This crooked highway of the heart

And if it’s only all about
The journey in the end
On that road I’m glad
I came to know you, my old friend

Hey, gone a long way
Won’t be coming ’round again
Hey, with a song I pray
And on wings of a song I’ll fly away

I’ll fly away
I’ll fly away
I’ll fly away
Oh, oh

 — Emmylou Harris

She wrote the song about her relationship with Gram Parsons and his death in 1973 (I didn’t realize it was so long ago). 

Today I don’t know how many times I mentally shook my head over the fact that C is dead and won’t ever be coming back.  It just kept hitting me and almost taking my breath away. This week has been much harder than last.  The mess of the apt and the let down of not having the move to look forward to/dread has left me empty and left me with nothing but tears and anger for what has happened.

Driving the truck down during the first move I actually felt like C was sitting quietly in the passenger seat next to me.  That’s the first time I’ve felt his presence in any way. He’s been in my dreams on occasion, but never really interacting directly with me and in two of them I was dealing with doctors and trying to make him better but knowing that it wouldn’t work.  I wish I weren’t so skeptical/empirical and could just believe or have faith that his spirit really is here with me and that there is an afterlife and that I will see him again.  I don’t know how people can be so sure of this.  I want to believe, a la X Files, but I just can’t. At the same time, I can’t believe that all of the energy and life and soul that was C is just gone.  How could it all vanish into nothing?  Where is he?

June 11, 2012

strawberry rhubarb sauce with a side of tears

Filed under: dreams unrealized,grief — by telechick @ 6:23 pm

So this evening I finally got around to turning the rhubarb I’d saved from our garden into strawberry rhubarb sauce, or glop as C and I used to call it.  This was one of C’s favourite things that I made and I spent most of my time crying into the pot. 

It seems like the past few days all I can think of is “The last time I did X or wore X or saw X or read X or thought X, C was alive.”  It’s been rough.  I moved the rest of my stuff down here on Saturday and I think it’s really beginning to hit me that this is it. This is all I’ve got for the foreseeable future.  No C, just a box with his ashes on my dresser next to my boys in their small boxes.  I am just so angry and so sad. 

He wasn’t supposed to die.  Someone made a big mistake at HUP and I and he will forever be paying the price.  It’s a beautiful early summer evening.  Today I found a red tailed hawk nest with two juveniles in a pine tree across the field from my house.  I took Ph on a lumber this am all around Chesterbrook and marvelled at the Stepford wives-esque perfectness of it all.  I ate some delicious strawberries. I had a glass of wine.  I spent way too much money on my pets at the pet store and much less money on me at Trader Joes.  None of this C will ever experience and none of this will I ever be able to share with him.  It is so f’ing unfair.

The other night while I was unpacking the truck with the help of my wonderful friends, a park visitor walked by and said how jealous he was that I got to live here in this amazing setting.  I totally agree with him that it is wonderful, but at the same time I wanted to say to him “Well, what allows me to live here is the fact that my husband died unexpectedly  6 weeks ago due to medical negligence and left me alone and a widow” and see what he thought then.  But I didn’t.

I’ve been reading through the Heartbreak Diary and she often suggests writing topics as a form of therapy.  The one I happened upon just now was to describe a place or thing that represents a hope that turned to nope with the death of your spouse.  She writes about a boat they bought.  The first thing that came to mind for me is a spot that I passed this morning on my lumber with Ph.  It’s where C and I first met that April 28th, 2004.  He thought I was so hot and I thought he was vaguely scary.  We were supposed to be together for 50 years.  That’s what C always promised me.  Instead, I got 8. The second thing that came to mind, is the house we were rennovating for C to move into when he got out of the hospital.  God I love that house. It was my dream house. We had so many plans and so many dreams for it and for us and now they’re all gone.  It sits, empty and half rennovated and it is so difficult for me to go back into.  We never even spent a night in there together or apart for that matter. It was always our dream, just out of reach and now I must try to get it finished enough to get rid of it. God that hurts.  I just don’t understand why.  You cannot convince me that there is some sort of merciful higher power out there who would let this happen.

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