Iconoclastic Fury

May 28, 2012

what a difference 3 years makes

Filed under: grief,marriage — by telechick @ 5:12 pm
Tags: ,

The last time I posted was almost 3 years ago and how much has changed since then.  Then I was married to the most wonderful man in the world who was getting better after a near brush with death; I had two amazing dogs; I had plans to go to Corsica; I had a business and a life that I thought was amazing.  Fast forward to today and I am a widow of exactly 1 month; all of my boys are gone; I have an exactly 1 year old female puppy and two female cats; I am surrounded by boxes and chaos as I try to pack up what’s left of my old life and move it back down to VF.

My life is shattered. I don’t want to reinvent myself. I don’t want a new life. I want my old life. I want my C. I want to be the center of his world and the light of his life. I want to have new experiences with him. I want to travel with him. I want him to be happy and to be with me. I want him to snuggle with me and my puppy in bed. I want the love and the tenderness and the sex and the laughs and the annoyances and the quiet and the talking and the everthing. I want him to hold me. I want to smell his phermones. I want to get in the truck with him and just drive. I want to enjoy a drink on the deck in the evening. I want to ski all over the world with him. I want to move into our dream home together and to sit on our porch and to look at our yard with the fruit trees we were going to plant and the garden we were going to grow. I want OUR FUTURE. The one that will NEVER, EVER, EVER happen.

I didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve this. Everyone deserves more birthdays, right?

People tell me how lucky I am to have experienced such a deep and powerful love. It doesn’t feel lucky now. I think the saying about the fact that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved is bullshit.

I will never consider suicide while my mother is alive, but I no longer care much how long I live. I don’t want to die in pain and terror, but other than that, it really doesn’t matter.  If I die and there’s no afterlife then at least I won’t be missing C any more. If I die and there is an afterlife and I get to be with him, then that is wonderful. It’s a win win either way. I guess I could say that one benefit to C’s death is that I no longer fear death.

We only had 8 years. We had no children. Everyone else I hear of who has lost a spouse either had many, many years with them or else had children to carry on some part of their lost loved one. I got screwed on both counts. I don’t think people really understand that and really understand what I’m feeling. I read that only 3% of the population is widowed in their 40s or younger. I wonder what the percentage is of people widowed in their 40s or younger without any children? 1%? 0.5%? Speaking of statistics, liver transplants have something like a 98% 1 year success rate. How could C, healthy and 43, fall into the 2%  – let me repeat, 2%, of those who don’t make it????

So in 1 month, exactly 3 years to the day I last posted, it will be as if the last 10 years never happened: I will be living alone in VF with my animals, working for the park. The only things that will be different are the animals, my weight (not for the better), the amount of gray in my hair, and the gaping hole in my heart that will never go away.


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